The light keeps getting blurrier with every passing moment. Why am I feeling so sleepy like I haven’t slept in years? Eyes are heavy and shutting down. Feels like an unknown force is holding them ajar. The feeling of an explainable vacuum in my heart with a tinge of slight perpetual pain and all memories flash in front of eyes from childhood to aging. Why did suddenly all the people I have known come together to see me? And do I believe my eyes? How can these people who…. who left this world already is also here? I am unable to correlate what I see with reality…
Not trying to validate my thoughts and vision, I lose myself in the insanity, refreshing memories. It was like yesterday when Adi was born and his little presence would light up my world. His first day in school when he cried bad enough to lose his voice for a week and soon it was time for him to leave for his life’s journey – a foreign education followed by marriage and settled far away. I can hear him talk on his phone outside my room now. A struggling smile curved on my lips with the thought of seeing my son after years and years of parting. I hope he met his father; the old man has kind of diminished to a shell with age. That reminds me, I forgot to check if he had his course of medicine in the morning, but why can’t I remember all that I did so long?
I want to get up and check for him, go around the house and do my daily work but I find it so difficult. It feels like only my mind wishes but my body isn’t co-operating. My thoughts get diverted again – I see myself entering office in the evening, a couple of Hi’s and Hello’s here and there and quickly settling down for starting the day. Then an extended dinner with my colleague-cum-friend Jay discussing various topics ranging from office people to family to work to politics and the country and a non-ending list. The painting competition in office – ah that was hectic but fun. We would finish our shifts at 2 am in the night and rush to the library room to finish our paintings with snacks and soft drinks and chitchats until 6 in the morning. I smile again.
I move back some years back in time , I would never forget the support Maa provided me when I struggled and rebelled against everything that came in the way of my preferred profession. Those months in Chennai when I would walk long distances to save money and would come back without cracking interviews, she would tell me to always take it as a lesson and look forward to the next one. When I came to Pune and got my first job, I knew it wouldn’t have been possible without the pillar of support in my life. Thinking all the good times I have had as a kid with my parents , I feel a hand on my head , I look up to see Maa . Delighted at the sight, I wanted to tell her it’s been a telepathy that she came while I was thinking about her..but before I could utter any word, she bends and slowly whispers in my ears “Its gonna be fine.. don’t worry”… I felt a sudden respite to my otherwise unsettled mind. I asked her through my mind if Dad is fine too since I don’t see him along with her , but she reassures that he will be around soon. I continue my journey in time being certain that all the people I felt responsible for are good. The journey strangely gathered speed this time and it turned into a quick turning of pages in a book like in search of a specific topic or a page.
I stopped at an unknown page number where I meet the friend of my life, years before when we actually did not know we would turn partners for this lifetime. We have shared our lives before tying the knot in education, profession, personal problems and understanding to support each other. We have seen good and bad times together and have managed to overcome trysts successfully. I remember the time when we almost gave up hope of being together any further but destiny had different plans. We got married and took up responsibilities of a family. With whatever struggles we have seen that has gaped us apart, aging has separated us from the worldly affairs and brought us closer.
Its strange how only the good memories are arriving to my mind. Not that I want to remember the unfortunate times, but the tweaks in the life’s journey has taught me well to enjoy the good times and accept the bad ones as well. Lost in surfing through the book of life, I felt Adi’s Dad occupy the other side of the bed slowly and come closer to me. His wrinkled shaking fingers stroke my forehead through my greyed hair and I dive back into memories into the young days of our relationship reliving them once again. What amazing time have we spent with each other! We have seen real low times but never have we left each other’s hand. I have indeed lived a wonderful life.. what more could a person ask for in a lifetime.
Like old times when I would be worried and not get sleep at night, I would find relief in the comfort of his arms and before I could realize the gentle strokes would put me sleep. My eyes now give up. I am falling asleep, it is like a peaceful eternal sleep and I don’t feel afraid or worried anymore.